ARIES Something will go bump in the night. You expected to see a vision, but the vision of your spouse emerging naked from the bathroom is almost too much. Especially when you realise that the bump was actually a bang .. your spouse dropped the toilet seat down. And the bright light was merely the bathroom light. And so, it's back to your boring life. By the way ... that's the only bang you'll be getting this month. Hope you enjoyed it.

CAPRICORN The stars predict the trip of a lifetime this month for Capricorns. As you lay on the soft grass looking into the star-filled sky with the palm trees gently swaying in the breeze, you feel something warm on your leg. And look down at the dog that mistook you for a fire hydrant. You won't remember much after that, except for that green paracetamol you swallowed. Everything seems hazy after that. You do remember flying though ... to somewhere ...

CANCER Beware Cancerians! The stars predict that you may catch a venereal disease! Therefore you must not have sex this month. And if you go to the beach, be careful not to catch crabs. Stay away from tadpoles too ... you might catch  warts. Your safest bet is to hit the shops and buy some jewellery or something. Stay away from the bronze rings though ...you never know where they've been.

GEMINI This month your "Evil Twin" will take over your body. You will be followed around by Secret Agents. Well that's your story anyway. But we all know that you're just a paranoid fuckwit. You're not as wonderful and interesting as you think you are. Wait 'till everyone finds out that those Secret Agents are really just the local pack of stray dogs ... and that they always follow you around because dogs are attracted to rotten smells!

LEO The words polly wants a cracker will ring true for Leos this month as you find yourself desperately trying to fill in the cracks that you have made in your favourite mirror with pollyfilla. Pride always comes before a fall Leo. Mirror Mirror on the wall ... who is the fairest of them all? Why you are of course Leo's ... you're the biggest fairies of them all.

LIBRA This month your scales will be very unbalanced. Your emotions will be very unbalanced too when your scales overbalance and collapse under you. Then you overbalance while walking down the stairs after drowning your sorrows at the local watering hole.Your bank balance isn't looking real good either. What you need this month is a balanced diet. Hey that's easy ... you never did have trouble balancing armfuls of junk food ...

PISCES Pisces people are always opening and closing their mouths. But the only things that come out are bubbles of bullshit.That's why your zodiac symbol is a fish. That would also explain that strange odour that always seems to follow you around. Never mind, this month you will be surrounded by pure good luck. You will win the lottery! You will ooze sex appeal! Everything you do will turn out better than you expected. Then your alarm clock will go off.

SCORPIO SCORPIO MALES: This month watch out for the wolf dressed in sheep's clothing. You never know where he is hiding. He will try to expose your secrets. And we all know how secretive Scorpio men are. That's basically because you have nothing of interest to say to anyone. But you will put on a heck of a show when the wolf huffs and puffs and blows open your trenchcoat. And exposes your Victoria's Secret Lingerie.

VIRGO All those months of practice have finally paid off for hard working Virgos this month. We are proud to predict that you will be chosen to represent your debating team at the state finals. You will be debating your favourite subject, maths. Hey don't sweat ... you'll win for sure.You're a really experienced maths debator.

SAGGITARIUS Saggitarians are the wanderers of the zodiac. You wander around looking for your missing brain cells, while everyone else wonders why all Saggitarian men have small peckers! But wait .. we have an exciting prediction for you this month. The stars say that you should buy a lottery ticket! Hang on ... what? What do you mean that was last month's prediction? Oh Shit. Oops. Sorry!

AQUARIUS This month sees Aquarians needing to get in touch with their star symbol Aquarius and explore their spiritual selves. But holding your head under water will not put you in touch with Aquarius. You will just end up with a swollen, distorted head with grotesque wrinkles all over it. Hang on a minute ...your head has always looked like that anyway.

TAURUS This month will be just like every other month.Complete Bullshit. That's because your zodiac symbol is a bull. And you're full of shit. Nothing ever changes does it? Have a nice day!